A Hamburger Film
by dyslexic-Carmie
Summary: Oneshot. America, with the help of Estonia, tries to make a video about the wonders of hamburgers.


"Hello, America!" the young American host says smiling. "Ha, get it? I just said hello to myself. Does that count as breaking the fourth-wall?"

The Estonian camera operator hits pause on the camera.

"Uh America, I thought you weren't going to use your country name. Did you suddenly change your mind or something?"

America laughs.

"Oh, yeah I was going to go by my Alfred F. Jones title thing. Let's try it again buddy-biscuits!"

"Buddy-biscuits?"

"It's a new pet name! I just came up with it! Soon it's going to be used in tons of romantic comedies!"

"So, buddy-biscuits is your pet name for me?"

"Dude, when you put it that way it sounds really weird and icky."

"You're the one who brought it up."

"Ugh, whatever. Let's just forget that I called you buddy-biscuits."

"Sure. On my count of three we'll start recording. One, two, three, action."

He hits record.

"Sup, whoever the hell is watching this, I'm the awesomely good-looking Alfred F. Jones! I'm American! Today, I'm going to teach you how to make a wonderful thing called a hamburger!"

The camera operator zooms in from his master shot to get close-up shot of the American's face. While the camera operator is doing this the American picks up his tablet.

"What is a hamburger you ask?"

He puts down his tablet.

"Hey Eddie, can you pause the camera for a little bitty second?"

The camera operator does as instructed.

"Don't call me Eddie."

"Eduard, whatever. Did you pause the camera?"

"Yes."

"Okay cool."

"What do you need?"

Alfred laughs.

"I have a stupid question. Well, its not as stupid as asking where I put my glasses when I'm clearly wearing them, but it still falls in the category of stupid questions. Whatever that hell means. Anyway, I just wanted to know if you were going to add text in postproduction. Are you going to?

"Am I going to video edit this?"

The American laughs.

"Well, duh, Eddie-"

Eduard frowns.

"-or Eduard whatever name you prefer. You're just the one that has the certification in Final Cut, Logic, Motion, and whatever else Apple gives a certification in."

"You forget to mention-"

The American cuts him off.

"Whoops, I just remembered that I don't care. Let's get back to recording this shindig!"

The Estonian places his finger over the play button on the camera.

"Okay, on the count of three I'll hit record. One, two, three, action."

He hits play.

"Hello world! My name is Alfred F. Jones! Thank your ability to click on a YouTube video 'cause you're about to enter a tunnel of learning. In this tunnel you'll going to learn all about a wonder thing called a hamburger!"

Alfred smiles broadly and picks up his tablet. He hits a few buttons and then turns the tablet around. Eduard zooms in on the tablet for future YouTube viewers to read.

"According to this little dictionary app I downloaded when I was totally paying attention in a meeting. A hamburger is defined as a round patty of ground beef, fried or grilled."

He sets the tablet down.

"Now I think a hamburger has a much greater definition than the one given on that app. In my opinion the definition of a hamburger should not be located with the words that start with 'h'-"

The Estonian raises an eyebrow.

"Where are you going with this?"

"-Now the hamburger deserves to sit next to words like 'awesome', 'sexy', 'rollercoaster', 'freedom', and 'socker bopper'-"

His camera operator cuts him off and rolls his eyes.

"Cut! That last one is two words."

The American laughs.

"Really?"

Alfred picks back up his tablet and hits a few buttons.

"Socker boppers, socker boppers, socker boppers!"

Eduard hits pause on the camera.

"Do you have to sing to yourself?"

"Yes! More fun than a pillow fight!"

The Estonian rolls his eyes.

"Good grief."

"Oh hey, you're right it is two words. What happened to those things anyway?"

"I have no idea."

The American hits a few more buttons on his tablet.

"What are you doing on that thing anyway?"

"Going on EBay. Gonna buy some socker boppers."

Eduard checks his watch.

"Could we get back to filming this? Russia sort of wants to have the whole Soviet Union back at his house at six for dinner."

Alfred sets his tablet back down on the table.

"Gross. You still listen to that commie? I thought you were your own big independent country now, Estonia. Does the hero need to step in and help ya out?"

Estonia sighs.

"You don't need to meddle. It's just going to be like a family reunion. Russia, who is no longer a communist, thought it would be a good idea if we all came for a visit."

"So this is little dinner is completely for nonpolitical reasons?"

"Yes-"

America cuts him off.

"Okay cool. That means that it won't be a biggie if you accidently miss this dinner."

"What?"

"If our filming runs a little long then we can just go for burgers."

Alfred looks down at the hamburger meat placed on the counter.

"Or we can just eat the burgers I'm about to make."

Eduard frowns.

"Its really not a good idea to bail on Russia."

"Why?"

"He's still really scary."

America laughs.

"Dude Eddie, I just got this totally epic idea! If our production goes too long, then I'll go with ya to family dinner with the Soviets!"

Estonia thinks for a moment.

"That's either a horrible idea or a good idea. I'm not sure which. If I'm late Russia takes the heat out on me, but if you're there then it's a whole different story."

"Exactly! That's why I'm calling the shots in this scenario! Well, if we end up in this scenario. I don't know if we will. I can't exactly predict the future. I think England has that ability. That bro is beast at poker. Anyway, let's get back to filming!"

"On the count of three I'll hit play. One, two, three, action!"

He hits play.

"Hello citizens of the this blue marble thing we call earth. My name is Alfred F. Jones. I'm a self-proclaimed expert in hamburgers and other types of beef. Today, you're in for a real treat! Hey, that rhymed!"

America picks up his tablet.

"Now friends of all shapes and places, the dictionary app on my magical rectangle here defines a hamburger as a round patty of ground beef, fried or grilled. Now that sounds super boring, right?"

Alfred sets back down his tablet.

"Well, forget that lame definition. I'm going to give you a way better one. According to me, a self-proclaimed expert in hamburgers, a hamburger doesn't deserve to be defined in a dictionary. A hamburger is not a thing you just read about in a stupid thing that has the word dick at the beginning of the name."

Eduard frowns.

"I'm going to edit that line out in post."

America laughs and continues.

"A hamburger is worth so much more than to be just defined in a dictionary. A hamburger isn't just something you read about in a book that may or may not have a photo of its beauty. A hamburger is something you need to experience. And the only way to experience this fine creation is through your mouth!"

"Remind me why you didn't want me to write you a script."

Alfred laughs.

"You're not the self-proclaimed expert in hamburgers, Eddie!"

Eduard hits pause.

"Do you even know what self-proclaimed means?"

"Nope. And we're getting off topic again."

"On the count of three we'll be recording again. One, two, three, action!"

Estonia hits record.

"Sup y'all I'm Alfred F. Jones! I'm what you call self-proclaimed expert in all things beef. Today, I'm going to open your brains and pour some of my knowledge gravy into it. I'm going to teach you all about this wonderful creation called a hamburger!"

America picks up his tablet again.

"According to this dictionary app, I downloaded when I accidently borrowed my brother's credit card, a hamburger is just a round beef patty of ground beef, fried or grilled."

He sets down his tablet again.

"Now that just sounds stupid. Seriously, if you really want to describe a hamburger you're going to need some adjectives. Let's use adjectives like yummy, tasty, mouthwatering, and not made by England!"

"Cut!"

The camera operator hits pause.

"That last one isn't an adjective. And I don't think it's a good idea to be insulting England's cooking like that over the Internet."

"Why not? You insult his cooking on your blog all the time!"

"That's different."

"How?"

"England doesn't read my blog."

"Oh. Well, England might not watch this video."

"If you post it on Facebook he'll probably end up watching it."

Estonia puts hits hand over the play button on the camera.

"On the count of three we'll start recording. This time skip the intro and just get to the part about making a burger."

"Okie dokie. You going to use one of my totally awesome intros?"

"Sure. Going to start recording in one, two, three, action!"

He hits record.

"Now I bet your mouth is getting all watery thinking about this wonderful creation. Well, don't just pause this video to get yourself a towel for your mouth!"

"Cut!"

Estonia hits pause on the camera.

"Do you even listen to the words that come out of your mouth?"

America laughs.

"Most of the time."

The camera operator puts his hand back on the play button.

"Whatever, action on three, okay? One, two, three, action!"

He hits record.

"I bet listening to me rave about this masterpiece has made you one hungry, hungry, hippo. Now, let's put a end to this hungry you're feeling and learn how to make one!"

Eduard pans down to display the cooking material sitting on the table.

"To make a hamburger you're going to need edible stuff!"

Alfred picks up the ground beef. His camera operator zooms in on it to give the meat a close-up.

"The most important thing of anything edible is meat. And the best kind of meat is beef. To make a hamburger you're going to need beef!"

America opens the package of ground beef and takes it out of its container. While he's doing this Estonia zooms out for a mid shot.

"Currently, this beef is all lumpy and lame. We need to fix that! To fix it we need to mix it with some chopped onions and mold it into a circle."

He picks up the bag of onions.

"Dude Estonia, can you pause the camera for a second?"

Estonia hits pause.

"What do you need now?"

"Can you chop these onions? Chopping onions makes me cry. And I'm real tough and stuff. Crying on camera is not something a tough guy like me should be doing."

Estonia sighs.

"Chopping onions makes me cry too."

"But you're not me! You can cry on camera and nobody question it! If I cry on camera people will think I'm weak! You're already weak so it's okay!"

"I'm going to pretend that there wasn't an insult in there. And are you asking me to be on camera for chopping onions? You do know that I don't have a tripod for the camera, right?"

America laughs.

"Dude! I can hold the camera. It's no biggie. I've directed several movies before! Hey, why am I not directing this masterpiece?"

"Uh, you can't be on camera and direct yourself?"

"Blah, blah, blah! Of course you can! Haven't you seen M. Night Shyamalan movies?"

"You're really going to use that director as your example?"

Alfred laughs.

"Yeah, you're right terrible example."

"Yep."

"Dude! What if you starred in this video? And I was the camera operator?"

"Are you insane?"

"Eddie! This could be awesome! You sound way more smarter than me and you're photogenic enough to not make anybody want to throw-up!"

"More smarter?"

"Bro, I think it's a great idea! All you need to do is impersonate me, but be yourself! I'll be awesome! You just stand in front of a camera and talk about how great hamburgers are! Hamburgers are your favorite food, right?"

"No-"

America cuts him off laughing.

"Wow, this is going to be perfect! Your acting skills are already perfect! Come on hand me the camera!"

Estonia hands him the camera.

"Okay, now stand right here and give a smexy smile!"

The Estonia moves to where the American wants him to stand.

"Smexy?"

"It means smart and sexy. Which you are in a not homo way. Okay, on the count of three we'll be recording. One, two, three, action!"

The new camera operator hits record.

"Hello, my name is Estonia-"

"Cut! If I can't go around telling people that I'm America the beautiful then you can't go around telling people you're Estonia."

America hits pause on the camera.

"Oh, yeah, right, Eduard von Bock it is then."

"Could you go by Eddie von Bock-Bock?"

"No."

"But that kind of name would totally get more viewers!"

"No."

"Fine, go by whatever not country title you want. On the count of three I'll be recording again. One, two, three, action!"

He hits record.

"Hello, my name is Eduard von Bock-"

"Cut!"

"What now?"

America hits pause.

"Can you tell people that your friends call you Eddie von Bock-Bock?"

"No."

"But why? Saying that will totally make it seem like you have way more friends then you actually do!"

Estonia frowns.

"I'm going to pretend that there wasn't an insult in that. And can at least try to get through production without interruptions? It's getting late."

The American looks up at the wall clock.

"Yikes! What time did you say that you needed to be at Russia's house?"

"Six."

In the other room the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it!"

Alfred rushes out of the room to let the guest in. While he's doing this Eduard looks at his watch. It's a little past seven.

"Ah, crap."

The guest walks into the kitchen with America.

"Look Eddie! Russia came by to say 'hello'. He read on your blog that you were helping me with a film project."

"Hello, Russia. Just to let you know if I was more aware of the time then I would have remembered to come to dinner."

Russia smiles in a creepy way.

"Oh, its okay Estonia. It was quite fun listening to Latvia accidently say a few questionable things about you. I just came by here to give you a ride home."

"He doesn't need a ride home. I was going to fly him back in my super awesome plane later."

"You might want to give that some repairs before you fly anybody around."

The Estonian's eyes go wide.

"What did you do to America's plane?"

"You did something to my plane?"

"I didn't do anything that can't be fixed."

"I'm going to check on my plane!"

The American runs out of the room leaving the Russian smiling at the Estonian.

"Now Estonia, did you learn anything from any of this?"

"I learned that preproduction is really important."

"Did you learn anything else?"

Estonia sighs.

"I also was reminded that it's a bad idea to miss a dinner planned by Russia."

**A/N**

**The main idea of this story is that it's really hard to do film projects without doing a ton of preproduction a head of time. That means writing a script and making a shot list. It's also hard to do film projects with your friends 'cause everybody goes into silly mode. **

**Just to brag about something I have an Apple Certification in Final Cut Pro X! I'm a certified video editor! **

**Anyhow, feel free to point out any grammar mistakes. **


End file.
